Let me start this by telling you, I do not want any pity. I want you to try and get a glimpse of our reality. I have been having a rough time, it has been building and today is the day...There may be a few F-bombs in here and who know what else. I guess that is my warning.
Diabetes fucking sucks. I may look like I have it together, my ducks in a row or whatever your preference is, but the truth is, I am far from it! I am a hot mess! I get very little sleep and am awake 2-7 times a night. Every time I wake up, whether in the middle of the night or in the morning, a panic rushes through me and as I go to her room praying I did not miss an alarm and I peek in to see if Kyli is dead in her bed. Every damn time! Add this to the fact that we lost a child when I was 20 weeks pregnant, gave birth, and her urn in my home...the fear of losing another child weighs on me greatly and diabetes does not help this fear.
Diabetes has put Kyli and I in tears too many times in the past few weeks and frustration everyday. We have not been in tears this many times in a such short time frame within the 5 1/2 years since diagnosis and all of it has to do with Kyli acting like a normal child. Diabetes is taking away some childhood experiences that all kids should be allowed to do. Kyli has been trying to sneak food and it is wreaking havoc on my child. Kyli has been eating snacks behind my back and not dosing for some of them, the insulin doses we have been giving have been useless and she has sat between 200-400 and she is feeling awful, but she keeps doing it because she is a KID!! And just like all kids, she was totally lying and telling me she wasn't sneaking and was telling me she had no clue why her sugars were so high. We are talking 2 weeks of hell, me getting up 2-4 times a night trying to bring her down and nothing was working. I was at my wits ends. The hardest part is knowing that each day that goes by with her sugars so high is another day sugar is pounding her body and damaging it. Out of my control, it is all up to her. Would you feel comfortable allowing your child to be responsible for their own life?! At times, I don't have a choice and poor thing, she doesn't either. Responsibility is always at our door, always and it freaking sucks.
This disease in NOT just eat your food, give yourself insulin, and then you will be just fine. It is hard!! It is like adding 2+happy+cupcake+scraped knee+heat+whatever else you can think of= you need more insulin or you need candy. While there is a basic science behind it that are so many variables. Mind you, we have rocked the shit out of diabetes these past handful of years, but damn I wish we could walk away from it.
I wish I could be naive to this disease once again, but that will never happen. It haunts me and taunts me everyday. As summer is in full swing and I logically know that with the heat comes more water drinking, but as I watch my 2 year old (who is right around the age of when Kyli was diagnosed) gulp down cups of water and the fear and anxiety rises in me every single time. I then have to impatiently wait for 2 hours after he has eaten and test his blood sugars for my own sanity. Not to mention, a majority of kiddos are diagnosed during puberty and wouldn't you know, I have another knocking on that door! I watch him like a hawk. Watch for drinking changes, energy changes, peeing changes. Today he took a nap (he never takes naps), I am flipping out. See it never ends and I watch my friends on FB make posts about their kiddos being sick. Most of them have received a post from me asking them to have their kiddos blood sugars tested when they do to the doctor. All I can think is how many must have ignored me because they do not want to have to poke their child's finger. Kyli does it 10 times a day, if not more. I wish I was naive and didn't have these worries not because of the work on me, but because I watch my child struggle with the responsibility and challenges this disease puts on her everyday.
My child has had a loss of a parent! I am her damn nurse more time than her Momma! I see her and it is, "Are you okay?" "Are your sugars low?" "You need to check your sugars and correct." More of that comes out of my mouth than anything else. I would rather have more conversations of her, who she really is. This kid has gotten the short end of a stick. Today I feel it, I feel it all and I am hating every minute of it.
What amazes me most, even with all of this crap...Kyli is an amazing and spunky kid. She loves life, but the past few days we are mourning the life and freedom she will never have. Me especially, because I am watching her struggle to do things every kid should be able to do and realizing more of these struggles will pop up as she grows older and she wants to be more independent, and she will fail miserably before we can figure it out. Someday, I will have to hand over the reigns to her and it will all be on her and what a burden it is to carry without a break.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Diabetic Perspective
I'm sure most of you have heard about the new Unicorn Frappucino; it has caused quite the uproar in my community. I have seen many comments and posts about this beverage and its sugar content. People are continually sharing memes and making comments about how this beverage will cause diabetes. Here are a few examples I have seen:
First, there are two types of diabetes: Type 1, which is an immune disorder that causes the body to actually attacks itself and inflame the pancreas; this is what Kyli has. There is also Type 2, which develops for many different reasons: a lazy pancreas, weight gain, obesity, and a poor diet, but there are also people that develop this after battling cancer, because their treatment impacted their pancreas. I am tired of the word "Diabetes" being used so carelessly. Every time Kyli hears someone make a comment in public about diabetes, she asks me if she caused her disease. These words scar her, and I have to perform damage control. She has enough to battle. There is so much judgement placed on those with Type 2 diabetes that they don't need to have to deal with uneducated and hurtful remarks as well. We ALL splurge sometimes, and enjoy ridiculous treats! Granted, some of us do so more than others, but judgement isn't necessary.
I have never seen a meme about bringing about your own cancer by eating processed food, or causing your own Alzheimer's because you drink from aluminum cans. Why? Because people understand it is disrespectful and rude. Guess what, so are the diabetes remarks. We live this disease everyday 24/7, no vacations, middle of the night blood sugar checks EVERY NIGHT, with many scary moments thanks to sugar highs and sugar lows. My daughter could die if we do not catch a sugar low! Yes... she could DIE! She will live with this disease the rest of her life. She will go through hell trying to manage it while going through puberty and possibly pregnancy, because the hormones those events produce cause this disease to be next to uncontrollable The thing is, she doesn't have a choice.
Finally, being a part of this community, I do not hold a grudge with those who have made these posts, because people don't know what they don't know, but I hope this post may cause someone to pause and think about the impact their uninformed comments may have on others around them. Please stop with the dirty diabetes comments... they are not funny.
Hollywood Studios- This was the reality of our vacation: sugar lows during the day, and lack of sleep from more sugar lows at night.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
What Should the Meme Say?
I took this photo awhile ago and it continues too make me laugh...He is a funny little guy.
That being said, I need to create it into a meme, what should it say? Pass it around, let's what the best line is!
That being said, I need to create it into a meme, what should it say? Pass it around, let's what the best line is!
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Where Did the Time Go?
Randomly today, I thought of my little blog spot and decided to come back and look at it. I could not believe that the last time I posted was that long ago!! I will say though, I was very broken during that time and then super busy the rest.
So here we are, a family of 5 and a heavenly baby too. We have Mike, Heather, Noah (10), Kyli (7), and Logan (20 months). We are beyond blessed with this bunch! Noah is super smart and one of the most loyal kiddos to his family! He will help me with anything I ask him with little to usually no complaints at all. He will gladly help me clean the house and has been asking to learn each of the steps to wash, dry, fold laundry- he is an amazing catch!! Kyli is my sweet and sassy. She loves her baby brother and wants him to love her and spend time doing what she wants. That is their newest battle is that she wants him to do what she wants...we all know how that goes. She is very thoughtful and social. She puts me in awe with how easily and happily she makes new friends wherever she goes. Now we have Logan, the newest to the bunch. This little boy has me wrapped around his finger. He is the sweetest little thing to his Mama! He grabs my face and pulls me in for kisses on a daily basis!! He has the sweetest smiles and it learning humor. His laughs are so stinking adorable. This kiddo though, his speeds are sleep and run, there is not anything in between. He keeps me on my toes!!! He also is completely AWFUL at chewing food up and at least once a day he chokes. Logan is easily the final piece to our family puzzle. He brings us all together. I am so thankful for them all.
Here is a picture of our bunch! This was our first major vacation and it was such an amazing trip!! I am pretty sure we all would gladly live in Florida, if we could be on vacation everyday!! We were gone 10 days and nobody wanted it to end. It was such great family time and I saw love on this vacation that I normally do not see at home. So awesome! I cannot wait for our next adventure!
So here we are, a family of 5 and a heavenly baby too. We have Mike, Heather, Noah (10), Kyli (7), and Logan (20 months). We are beyond blessed with this bunch! Noah is super smart and one of the most loyal kiddos to his family! He will help me with anything I ask him with little to usually no complaints at all. He will gladly help me clean the house and has been asking to learn each of the steps to wash, dry, fold laundry- he is an amazing catch!! Kyli is my sweet and sassy. She loves her baby brother and wants him to love her and spend time doing what she wants. That is their newest battle is that she wants him to do what she wants...we all know how that goes. She is very thoughtful and social. She puts me in awe with how easily and happily she makes new friends wherever she goes. Now we have Logan, the newest to the bunch. This little boy has me wrapped around his finger. He is the sweetest little thing to his Mama! He grabs my face and pulls me in for kisses on a daily basis!! He has the sweetest smiles and it learning humor. His laughs are so stinking adorable. This kiddo though, his speeds are sleep and run, there is not anything in between. He keeps me on my toes!!! He also is completely AWFUL at chewing food up and at least once a day he chokes. Logan is easily the final piece to our family puzzle. He brings us all together. I am so thankful for them all.
Here is a picture of our bunch! This was our first major vacation and it was such an amazing trip!! I am pretty sure we all would gladly live in Florida, if we could be on vacation everyday!! We were gone 10 days and nobody wanted it to end. It was such great family time and I saw love on this vacation that I normally do not see at home. So awesome! I cannot wait for our next adventure!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
What I Would Like You To Know
A friend of mine gave me this book called Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. It has been wonderful so far. There was a paragraph that hit home with me that I read today. It was Pam's pastor speaking to the congregation because she worked within the church. He said, "Many of you know that John and Pam were expecting a baby. That baby is now with the Lord...Now listen to me and listen well...They don't need any 'words from God' or 'inspired exhortations' or advice. They just need you to love them and hug them and let them work through their grief. There will be a point where sympathy will no longer be needed or wanted, so please be sensitive to them and just allow them to be themselves."
I loved this! I also wanted to let everyone know, I am there. I am at the "There will be a point where sympathy will no longer be needed or wanted, so please be sensitive to them and just allow them to be themselves." However, if I am having a rough time or feel that I need some extra love on a bad day...I will let someone know. I am working on trying to find my new normal. I am not sure what that will look like exactly, but I can say that I am quiet. I am happiest when I am at home. I feel introverted right now. I am good as long as I have my family with me. I am working on my social skills, it just feels different. Things that used to be funny aren't quite as funny. My hopes are different. Just give me time. I am changed. I don't think any Mommy can go on the same after losing a child.
Finally, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please say a prayer and give a hug to those you know that have experienced a loss, but please remember it is the whole family that has lost the child
. It is not just the parents that experience the loss, ask my children.
I loved this! I also wanted to let everyone know, I am there. I am at the "There will be a point where sympathy will no longer be needed or wanted, so please be sensitive to them and just allow them to be themselves." However, if I am having a rough time or feel that I need some extra love on a bad day...I will let someone know. I am working on trying to find my new normal. I am not sure what that will look like exactly, but I can say that I am quiet. I am happiest when I am at home. I feel introverted right now. I am good as long as I have my family with me. I am working on my social skills, it just feels different. Things that used to be funny aren't quite as funny. My hopes are different. Just give me time. I am changed. I don't think any Mommy can go on the same after losing a child.
Finally, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please say a prayer and give a hug to those you know that have experienced a loss, but please remember it is the whole family that has lost the child
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Changes
Since Kaitlin was born, I have changed greatly. I am so very different on the inside. I am struggling to find my new norm. My outlook on everything has changed. I want to take a minute to apologize to those that I have been around. I know I have not been my "normal" self. Unfortunately, that is never going to be my normal again. I have a piece of me that is missing.
Since Kaitlin's passing, I am not exactly a "people person" anymore. I am a "my little family person." I do not find fun in going out. I generally want to stay home and just be with my littles. The times I do go out I try to make the most of it or I am forced to the store. It is still difficult, many of you I saw pre Kaitlin. You remind me of a time when I was happier and even ignorant of so many things. It was an easier day then. It can be very difficult for me to talk to people. While I appreciate your condolences, I don't even know how to respond anymore. I am stronger than I was a month and a half ago, but I have my own struggles daily missing her. I am trying to grow and move on with my new normal and missing Kaitlin will always be apart of that. The problem with having a new normal is that I am still evolving. It is changing everyday. I am learning and realizing new things each day.
Kaitlin was here for me to change. It has happened. I have a new appreciation for so many things. I enjoy listening to the kiddos on the way to school, the sunrises, the plowed fields, traffic. I am thankful for Kyli's diabetes and all the trials it brings. I am thankful Kyli is here, it could be worse. I could have lost her to this awful disease. I have more patience than I have had in years. The problem with it, is that I now need to learn how to cope with things around me in a new calmer way. I don't want to be angry. I am more boring than I was before, if that is possible. I was never a crazy girl, but I am more docile. I find it harder to laugh. Things that used to make me laugh aren't quite as funny as they used to be. Most days I wish I could laugh just the same as I used to. It is not that easy. Losing a child is life altering. You realize how powerless you are, how greedy you are, how selfish you are and most importantly how full of hope you are and want to be. I am a different person trying to find my new norm. Most days this new norm makes me feel lost in a world that I used to know. I am trying to find my new norm and find myself in it. I look forward to the time when I finally feel more solid on my new way, until then I saw this and it hit home...
Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.
—Henri Nouwen
Since Kaitlin's passing, I am not exactly a "people person" anymore. I am a "my little family person." I do not find fun in going out. I generally want to stay home and just be with my littles. The times I do go out I try to make the most of it or I am forced to the store. It is still difficult, many of you I saw pre Kaitlin. You remind me of a time when I was happier and even ignorant of so many things. It was an easier day then. It can be very difficult for me to talk to people. While I appreciate your condolences, I don't even know how to respond anymore. I am stronger than I was a month and a half ago, but I have my own struggles daily missing her. I am trying to grow and move on with my new normal and missing Kaitlin will always be apart of that. The problem with having a new normal is that I am still evolving. It is changing everyday. I am learning and realizing new things each day.
Kaitlin was here for me to change. It has happened. I have a new appreciation for so many things. I enjoy listening to the kiddos on the way to school, the sunrises, the plowed fields, traffic. I am thankful for Kyli's diabetes and all the trials it brings. I am thankful Kyli is here, it could be worse. I could have lost her to this awful disease. I have more patience than I have had in years. The problem with it, is that I now need to learn how to cope with things around me in a new calmer way. I don't want to be angry. I am more boring than I was before, if that is possible. I was never a crazy girl, but I am more docile. I find it harder to laugh. Things that used to make me laugh aren't quite as funny as they used to be. Most days I wish I could laugh just the same as I used to. It is not that easy. Losing a child is life altering. You realize how powerless you are, how greedy you are, how selfish you are and most importantly how full of hope you are and want to be. I am a different person trying to find my new norm. Most days this new norm makes me feel lost in a world that I used to know. I am trying to find my new norm and find myself in it. I look forward to the time when I finally feel more solid on my new way, until then I saw this and it hit home...
Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.
—Henri Nouwen
Monday, September 15, 2014
Saved
I am not a poetic writer...I am not a witty writer...I am a logical, usually lacking emotion because I am so logical about it writer...That being said, we have had more happen in the last month than I ever wished for.
As most of you know, we were pregnant with our 3rd little. On August 15, 2014, we went in for our 20 wk ultrasound. The kiddos went with us, because we wanted them to see their sibling and start to really make a connection with Baby Guppy (this is the name Kyli named this one). Unfortunately, God had other plans. We found out at this ultrasound that our little one no longer had a heartbeat. This baby was already in Heaven. The kiddos were too busy to pay attention, thank goodness. That night, we went into the hospital and they induced me. On August 16, 2014 at 9:36 am, I gave birth to my angel baby, Kaitlin Marie Gochenour. She was perfect. She was tiny and fit in my hand. Kaitlin is a stillborn kiddo and not a miscarriage. I gave birth to her. I went into labor, I lost about a quarter of my blood and had to have a D&C after. This birth was the scariest of all three of my kiddos. They could not tell me what to expect or when to expect her. It was the hardest thing I have experienced in my life, to know you have to go into labor and birth her body but wanting to make it last as long as possible, to just keep her just a little longer. In the end her actual birth was quick and my body did all the work.
I am blessed, Mike was with me from the beginning. He was and continues to be an amazing partner through all my crazy emotions and random moments of tears. He just lets me be who I am and express what I need to. He has not had an easy job and it is not a job that one day stops, and he has continued to just show me love and understanding. I know I am lucky.
Many things have changed for me since the passing of my daughter. I have been mourning her each day. Some days are easier than others, but everyday, multiple times a day I think about Kaitlin. I have come to many realizations since her birth.
1. It was never in God's plan to have Kaitlin walk on this Earth. Never.
2. We have so many family members and friends that love us more than I ever thought they did.
3. I was shown what love and support REALLY looks like. This continues still.
4. Kaitlin had and continues to have a purpose in our lives.
-This is so powerful me. I have discussed with so many people that have walked through our door since Kaitlin went to our Heavenly Father.
I watched Kyli start to care for others, mind you she is the baby of the family and our little diabetic, she is used to getting a lot of the attention. She had started to tell Kaitlin stories and hug and kiss my belly throughout the day. She was being a big sister. It was amazing. Even after, Kyli continues to be hyper aware of my ever changing emotions. The moment she feels a change, she is by my side giving my hugs and kisses, looking into my eyes to see if I am crying, again. She has been so sweet and loving. She surprises me everyday with how aware she is of my emotions.
The changes I have experienced within myself have been staggering. I prayed for about the last year for patience with my kiddos...losing Kaitlin has given me a different and intense appreciation for my kiddos. My patience level is so much more than where I was a month ago.
I have had a realization that has changed everything for me and this is the HUGE one for me! Let me preface this, about 2 years ago, I was saved. I turned my life over to God and accepted that God sacrificed his only Son to forgive me for my sins. That being said, I have been thinking about how God made a decision to sacrifice his Son, knowing fully what would happen to Him and it was so that we could all be saved and have a chance to live in Heaven with Him. I have been sitting here so selfishly wanting Kaitlin back. What I have come to understand is that Kaitlin will forever be exactly the meaning of her name, pure and it will be forever. She will never have a chance to sin. If He could sacrifice his son to forgive us for our sins, how can I so selfishly think that Kaitlin's life is more valuable. (I am pretty sure I cannot explain this to anyone how I completely feel about this. Nor am I certain if this explains how I feel. It is so big and emotional for me.) I consider Kaitlin a sacrifice, but there is an intention for her sacrifice. I have a new understanding emotionally for how painful God's decision must have been. He made the decision, and we did not but the loss of a child can be so painful. He knew his child was coming home to him, but the suffering and His death must have been so painful to watch and experience. Thankfully God was there to welcome His son home. I know He was there for our daughter too.
We went back to church for the first time since Kaitlin's birth this past weekend...I have never felt the connection that I did this past week. It was overwhelming. I found tears in all the music... I found tears when our Pastor was talking to those that were accepting Christ as their Savior and I felt a newer deeper connection to those words. While I won't say that this past weekend was when I became saved...I will say that I have a much deeper and emotional connection. If it is possible, I became saved a second time on a new level, one where I feel the pain that went with his sacrifice.
I am done for now...I felt this would be a good time to TRY and express some of what has happened and what I am feeling. I am not convinced that I accurately expressed it or for that matter that any of this makes sense to anyone, but I felt that this would be a good time. Tomorrow will be one month since she was born and honestly, it feels like it has been years...
One final piece that I have learned to try and live by since (and let me tell you how difficult it is) is this one scripture that seems to hit home everyday
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
For all my friends who are pregnant or just had a baby, while it is not easy for me to see (I am jealous)... I love you and I pray for the best for each one of you.
As most of you know, we were pregnant with our 3rd little. On August 15, 2014, we went in for our 20 wk ultrasound. The kiddos went with us, because we wanted them to see their sibling and start to really make a connection with Baby Guppy (this is the name Kyli named this one). Unfortunately, God had other plans. We found out at this ultrasound that our little one no longer had a heartbeat. This baby was already in Heaven. The kiddos were too busy to pay attention, thank goodness. That night, we went into the hospital and they induced me. On August 16, 2014 at 9:36 am, I gave birth to my angel baby, Kaitlin Marie Gochenour. She was perfect. She was tiny and fit in my hand. Kaitlin is a stillborn kiddo and not a miscarriage. I gave birth to her. I went into labor, I lost about a quarter of my blood and had to have a D&C after. This birth was the scariest of all three of my kiddos. They could not tell me what to expect or when to expect her. It was the hardest thing I have experienced in my life, to know you have to go into labor and birth her body but wanting to make it last as long as possible, to just keep her just a little longer. In the end her actual birth was quick and my body did all the work.
I am blessed, Mike was with me from the beginning. He was and continues to be an amazing partner through all my crazy emotions and random moments of tears. He just lets me be who I am and express what I need to. He has not had an easy job and it is not a job that one day stops, and he has continued to just show me love and understanding. I know I am lucky.
Many things have changed for me since the passing of my daughter. I have been mourning her each day. Some days are easier than others, but everyday, multiple times a day I think about Kaitlin. I have come to many realizations since her birth.
1. It was never in God's plan to have Kaitlin walk on this Earth. Never.
2. We have so many family members and friends that love us more than I ever thought they did.
3. I was shown what love and support REALLY looks like. This continues still.
4. Kaitlin had and continues to have a purpose in our lives.
-This is so powerful me. I have discussed with so many people that have walked through our door since Kaitlin went to our Heavenly Father.
I watched Kyli start to care for others, mind you she is the baby of the family and our little diabetic, she is used to getting a lot of the attention. She had started to tell Kaitlin stories and hug and kiss my belly throughout the day. She was being a big sister. It was amazing. Even after, Kyli continues to be hyper aware of my ever changing emotions. The moment she feels a change, she is by my side giving my hugs and kisses, looking into my eyes to see if I am crying, again. She has been so sweet and loving. She surprises me everyday with how aware she is of my emotions.
The changes I have experienced within myself have been staggering. I prayed for about the last year for patience with my kiddos...losing Kaitlin has given me a different and intense appreciation for my kiddos. My patience level is so much more than where I was a month ago.
I have had a realization that has changed everything for me and this is the HUGE one for me! Let me preface this, about 2 years ago, I was saved. I turned my life over to God and accepted that God sacrificed his only Son to forgive me for my sins. That being said, I have been thinking about how God made a decision to sacrifice his Son, knowing fully what would happen to Him and it was so that we could all be saved and have a chance to live in Heaven with Him. I have been sitting here so selfishly wanting Kaitlin back. What I have come to understand is that Kaitlin will forever be exactly the meaning of her name, pure and it will be forever. She will never have a chance to sin. If He could sacrifice his son to forgive us for our sins, how can I so selfishly think that Kaitlin's life is more valuable. (I am pretty sure I cannot explain this to anyone how I completely feel about this. Nor am I certain if this explains how I feel. It is so big and emotional for me.) I consider Kaitlin a sacrifice, but there is an intention for her sacrifice. I have a new understanding emotionally for how painful God's decision must have been. He made the decision, and we did not but the loss of a child can be so painful. He knew his child was coming home to him, but the suffering and His death must have been so painful to watch and experience. Thankfully God was there to welcome His son home. I know He was there for our daughter too.
We went back to church for the first time since Kaitlin's birth this past weekend...I have never felt the connection that I did this past week. It was overwhelming. I found tears in all the music... I found tears when our Pastor was talking to those that were accepting Christ as their Savior and I felt a newer deeper connection to those words. While I won't say that this past weekend was when I became saved...I will say that I have a much deeper and emotional connection. If it is possible, I became saved a second time on a new level, one where I feel the pain that went with his sacrifice.
I am done for now...I felt this would be a good time to TRY and express some of what has happened and what I am feeling. I am not convinced that I accurately expressed it or for that matter that any of this makes sense to anyone, but I felt that this would be a good time. Tomorrow will be one month since she was born and honestly, it feels like it has been years...
One final piece that I have learned to try and live by since (and let me tell you how difficult it is) is this one scripture that seems to hit home everyday
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
For all my friends who are pregnant or just had a baby, while it is not easy for me to see (I am jealous)... I love you and I pray for the best for each one of you.
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