Changes

Since Kaitlin was born, I have changed greatly.  I am so very different on the inside. I am struggling to find my new norm.  My outlook on everything has changed.  I want to take a minute to apologize to those that I have been around.  I know I have not been my "normal" self.  Unfortunately, that is never going to be my normal again.  I have a piece of me that is missing. 

Since Kaitlin's passing, I am not exactly a "people person" anymore.  I am a "my little family person."  I do not find fun in going out.  I generally want to stay home and just be with my littles.  The times I do go out I try to make the most of it or I am forced to the store.  It is still difficult, many of you I saw pre Kaitlin.  You remind me of a time when I was happier and even ignorant of so many things. It was an easier day then.  It can be very difficult for me to talk to people.  While I appreciate your condolences, I don't even know how to respond anymore. I am stronger than I was a month and a half ago, but I have my own struggles daily missing her. I am trying to grow and move on with my new normal and missing Kaitlin will always be apart of that.  The problem with having a new normal is that I am still evolving.  It is changing everyday.  I am learning and realizing new things each day. 

Kaitlin was here for me to change.  It has happened. I have a new appreciation for so many things.  I enjoy listening to the kiddos on the way to school, the sunrises, the plowed fields, traffic.  I am thankful for Kyli's diabetes and all the trials it brings.  I am thankful Kyli is here, it could be worse. I could have lost her to this awful disease.  I have more patience than I have had in years.  The problem with it, is that I now need to learn how to cope with things around me in a new calmer way.  I don't want to be angry.  I am more boring than I was before, if that is possible.  I was never a crazy girl, but I am more docile.  I find it harder to laugh.  Things that used to make me laugh aren't quite as funny as they used to be.  Most days I wish I could laugh just the same as I used to.  It is not that easy.  Losing a child is life altering. You realize how powerless you are, how greedy you are, how selfish you are and most importantly how full of hope you are and want to be.  I am a different person trying to find my new norm.  Most days this new norm makes me feel lost in a world that I used to know.  I am trying to find my new norm and find myself in it. I look forward to the time when I finally feel more solid on my new way, until then I saw this and it hit home...

Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.
—Henri Nouwen