I am not a poetic writer...I am not a witty writer...I am a logical, usually lacking emotion because I am so logical about it writer...That being said, we have had more happen in the last month than I ever wished for.
As most of you know, we were pregnant with our 3rd little. On August 15, 2014, we went in for our 20 wk ultrasound. The kiddos went with us, because we wanted them to see their sibling and start to really make a connection with Baby Guppy (this is the name Kyli named this one). Unfortunately, God had other plans. We found out at this ultrasound that our little one no longer had a heartbeat. This baby was already in Heaven. The kiddos were too busy to pay attention, thank goodness. That night, we went into the hospital and they induced me. On August 16, 2014 at 9:36 am, I gave birth to my angel baby, Kaitlin Marie Gochenour. She was perfect. She was tiny and fit in my hand. Kaitlin is a stillborn kiddo and not a miscarriage. I gave birth to her. I went into labor, I lost about a quarter of my blood and had to have a D&C after. This birth was the scariest of all three of my kiddos. They could not tell me what to expect or when to expect her. It was the hardest thing I have experienced in my life, to know you have to go into labor and birth her body but wanting to make it last as long as possible, to just keep her just a little longer. In the end her actual birth was quick and my body did all the work.
I am blessed, Mike was with me from the beginning. He was and continues to be an amazing partner through all my crazy emotions and random moments of tears. He just lets me be who I am and express what I need to. He has not had an easy job and it is not a job that one day stops, and he has continued to just show me love and understanding. I know I am lucky.
Many things have changed for me since the passing of my daughter. I have been mourning her each day. Some days are easier than others, but everyday, multiple times a day I think about Kaitlin. I have come to many realizations since her birth.
1. It was never in God's plan to have Kaitlin walk on this Earth. Never.
2. We have so many family members and friends that love us more than I ever thought they did.
3. I was shown what love and support REALLY looks like. This continues still.
4. Kaitlin had and continues to have a purpose in our lives.
-This is so powerful me. I have discussed with so many people that have walked through our door since Kaitlin went to our Heavenly Father.
I watched Kyli start to care for others, mind you she is the baby of the family and our little diabetic, she is used to getting a lot of the attention. She had started to tell Kaitlin stories and hug and kiss my belly throughout the day. She was being a big sister. It was amazing. Even after, Kyli continues to be hyper aware of my ever changing emotions. The moment she feels a change, she is by my side giving my hugs and kisses, looking into my eyes to see if I am crying, again. She has been so sweet and loving. She surprises me everyday with how aware she is of my emotions.
The changes I have experienced within myself have been staggering. I prayed for about the last year for patience with my kiddos...losing Kaitlin has given me a different and intense appreciation for my kiddos. My patience level is so much more than where I was a month ago.
I have had a realization that has changed everything for me and this is the HUGE one for me! Let me preface this, about 2 years ago, I was saved. I turned my life over to God and accepted that God sacrificed his only Son to forgive me for my sins. That being said, I have been thinking about how God made a decision to sacrifice his Son, knowing fully what would happen to Him and it was so that we could all be saved and have a chance to live in Heaven with Him. I have been sitting here so selfishly wanting Kaitlin back. What I have come to understand is that Kaitlin will forever be exactly the meaning of her name, pure and it will be forever. She will never have a chance to sin. If He could sacrifice his son to forgive us for our sins, how can I so selfishly think that Kaitlin's life is more valuable. (I am pretty sure I cannot explain this to anyone how I completely feel about this. Nor am I certain if this explains how I feel. It is so big and emotional for me.) I consider Kaitlin a sacrifice, but there is an intention for her sacrifice. I have a new understanding emotionally for how painful God's decision must have been. He made the decision, and we did not but the loss of a child can be so painful. He knew his child was coming home to him, but the suffering and His death must have been so painful to watch and experience. Thankfully God was there to welcome His son home. I know He was there for our daughter too.
We went back to church for the first time since Kaitlin's birth this past weekend...I have never felt the connection that I did this past week. It was overwhelming. I found tears in all the music... I found tears when our Pastor was talking to those that were accepting Christ as their Savior and I felt a newer deeper connection to those words. While I won't say that this past weekend was when I became saved...I will say that I have a much deeper and emotional connection. If it is possible, I became saved a second time on a new level, one where I feel the pain that went with his sacrifice.
I am done for now...I felt this would be a good time to TRY and express some of what has happened and what I am feeling. I am not convinced that I accurately expressed it or for that matter that any of this makes sense to anyone, but I felt that this would be a good time. Tomorrow will be one month since she was born and honestly, it feels like it has been years...
One final piece that I have learned to try and live by since (and let me tell you how difficult it is) is this one scripture that seems to hit home everyday
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
For all my friends who are pregnant or just had a baby, while it is not easy for me to see (I am jealous)... I love you and I pray for the best for each one of you.
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