What I Would Like You To Know

A friend of mine gave me this book called Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt.  It has been wonderful so far.  There was a paragraph that hit home with me that I read today.  It was Pam's pastor speaking to the congregation because she worked within the church. He said, "Many of you know that John and Pam were expecting a baby.  That baby is now with the Lord...Now listen to me and listen well...They don't need any 'words from God' or 'inspired exhortations' or advice.  They just need you to love them and hug them and let them work through their grief.  There will be a point where sympathy will no longer be needed or wanted, so please be sensitive to them and just allow them to be themselves."

I loved this!  I also wanted to let everyone know, I am there. I am at the "There will be a point where sympathy will no longer be needed or wanted, so please be sensitive to them and just allow them to be themselves."  However, if I am having a rough time or feel that I need some extra love on a bad day...I will let someone know.  I am working on trying to find my new normal. I am not sure what that will look like exactly, but I can say that I am quiet.  I am happiest when I am at home.  I feel introverted right now.  I am good as long as I have my family with me.  I am working on my social skills, it just feels different. Things that used to be funny aren't quite as funny.  My hopes are different.  Just give me time.  I am changed.  I don't think any Mommy can go on the same after losing a child.

Finally, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  Please say a prayer and give a hug to those you know that have experienced a loss, but please remember it is the whole family that has lost the child

.  It is not just the parents that experience the loss, ask my children. 

Changes

Since Kaitlin was born, I have changed greatly.  I am so very different on the inside. I am struggling to find my new norm.  My outlook on everything has changed.  I want to take a minute to apologize to those that I have been around.  I know I have not been my "normal" self.  Unfortunately, that is never going to be my normal again.  I have a piece of me that is missing. 

Since Kaitlin's passing, I am not exactly a "people person" anymore.  I am a "my little family person."  I do not find fun in going out.  I generally want to stay home and just be with my littles.  The times I do go out I try to make the most of it or I am forced to the store.  It is still difficult, many of you I saw pre Kaitlin.  You remind me of a time when I was happier and even ignorant of so many things. It was an easier day then.  It can be very difficult for me to talk to people.  While I appreciate your condolences, I don't even know how to respond anymore. I am stronger than I was a month and a half ago, but I have my own struggles daily missing her. I am trying to grow and move on with my new normal and missing Kaitlin will always be apart of that.  The problem with having a new normal is that I am still evolving.  It is changing everyday.  I am learning and realizing new things each day. 

Kaitlin was here for me to change.  It has happened. I have a new appreciation for so many things.  I enjoy listening to the kiddos on the way to school, the sunrises, the plowed fields, traffic.  I am thankful for Kyli's diabetes and all the trials it brings.  I am thankful Kyli is here, it could be worse. I could have lost her to this awful disease.  I have more patience than I have had in years.  The problem with it, is that I now need to learn how to cope with things around me in a new calmer way.  I don't want to be angry.  I am more boring than I was before, if that is possible.  I was never a crazy girl, but I am more docile.  I find it harder to laugh.  Things that used to make me laugh aren't quite as funny as they used to be.  Most days I wish I could laugh just the same as I used to.  It is not that easy.  Losing a child is life altering. You realize how powerless you are, how greedy you are, how selfish you are and most importantly how full of hope you are and want to be.  I am a different person trying to find my new norm.  Most days this new norm makes me feel lost in a world that I used to know.  I am trying to find my new norm and find myself in it. I look forward to the time when I finally feel more solid on my new way, until then I saw this and it hit home...

Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.
—Henri Nouwen

Saved

I am not a poetic writer...I am not a witty writer...I am a logical, usually lacking emotion because I am so logical about it writer...That being said, we have had more happen in the last month than I ever wished for.

As most of you know, we were pregnant with our 3rd little.  On August 15, 2014, we went in for our 20 wk ultrasound.  The kiddos went with us, because we wanted them to see their sibling and start to really make a connection with Baby Guppy (this is the name Kyli named this one).  Unfortunately, God had other plans. We found out at this ultrasound that our little one no longer had a heartbeat.  This baby was already in Heaven.  The kiddos were too busy to pay attention, thank goodness. That night, we went into the hospital and they induced me.  On August 16, 2014 at 9:36 am, I gave birth to my angel baby, Kaitlin Marie Gochenour.  She was perfect. She was tiny and fit in my hand.  Kaitlin is a stillborn kiddo and not a miscarriage.  I gave birth to her.  I went into labor, I lost about a quarter of my blood and had to have a D&C after.  This birth was the scariest of all three of my kiddos.  They could not tell me what to expect or when to expect her.  It was the hardest thing I have experienced in my life, to know you have to go into labor and birth her body but wanting to make it last as long as possible, to just keep her just a little longer. In the end her actual birth was quick and my body did all the work. 

I am blessed, Mike was with me from the beginning.  He was and continues to be an amazing partner through all my crazy emotions and random moments of tears.  He just lets me be who I am and express what I need to.  He has not had an easy job and it is not a job that one day stops,  and he has continued to just show me love and understanding.  I know I am lucky. 

Many things have changed for me since the passing of my daughter.  I have been mourning her each day.  Some days are easier than others, but everyday, multiple times a day I think about Kaitlin.  I have come to many realizations since her birth. 
1. It was never in God's plan to have Kaitlin walk on this Earth. Never.
2. We have so many family members and friends that love us more than I ever thought they did.
3. I was shown what love and support REALLY looks like. This continues still. 


4. Kaitlin had and continues to have a purpose in our lives.
-This is so powerful me.  I have discussed with so many people that have walked through our door since Kaitlin went to our Heavenly Father.
  I watched Kyli start to care for others, mind you she is the baby of the family and our little diabetic, she is used to getting a lot of the attention.  She had started to tell Kaitlin stories and hug and kiss my belly throughout the day.  She was being a big sister. It was amazing.  Even after, Kyli continues to be hyper aware of my ever changing emotions.  The moment she feels a change, she is by my side giving my hugs and kisses, looking into my eyes to see if I am crying, again.  She has been so sweet and loving.  She surprises me everyday with how aware she is of my emotions. 
  The changes I have experienced within myself have been staggering.  I prayed for about the last year for patience with my kiddos...losing Kaitlin has given me a different and intense appreciation for my kiddos. My patience level is so much more than where I was a month ago.
  I have had a realization that has changed everything for me and this is the HUGE one for me! Let me preface this, about 2 years ago, I was saved.  I turned my life over to God and accepted that God sacrificed his only Son to forgive me for my sins.  That being said, I have been thinking about how God made a decision to sacrifice his Son, knowing fully what would happen to Him and it was so that we could all be saved and have a chance to live in Heaven with Him.  I have been sitting here so selfishly wanting Kaitlin back.  What I have come to understand is that Kaitlin will forever be exactly the meaning of her name, pure and it will be forever. She will never have a chance to sin.   If He could sacrifice his son to forgive us for our sins, how can I so selfishly think that Kaitlin's life is more valuable.  (I am pretty sure I cannot explain this to anyone how I completely feel about this.  Nor am I certain if this explains how I feel. It is so big and emotional for me.)  I consider Kaitlin a sacrifice, but there is an intention for her sacrifice.  I have a new understanding emotionally for how painful God's decision must have been. He made the decision, and we did not but the loss of a child can be so painful.  He knew his child was coming home to him, but the suffering and His death must have been so painful to watch and experience.  Thankfully God was there to welcome His son home. I know He was there for our daughter too.

We went back to church for the first time since Kaitlin's birth this past weekend...I have never felt the connection that I did this past week.  It was overwhelming.  I found tears in all the music... I found tears when our Pastor was talking to those that were accepting Christ as their Savior and I felt a newer deeper connection to those words.  While I won't say that this past weekend was when I became saved...I will say that I have a much deeper and emotional connection. If it is possible, I became saved a second time on a new level, one where I feel the pain that went with his sacrifice. 

I am done for now...I felt this would be a good time to TRY and express some of what has happened and what I am feeling.  I am not convinced that I accurately expressed it or for that matter that any of this makes sense to anyone, but I felt that this would be a good time.  Tomorrow will be one month since she was born and honestly, it feels like it has been years...

One final piece that I have learned to try and live by since (and let me tell you how difficult it is) is this one scripture that seems to hit home everyday

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
                                                                              -Romans 12:15

For all my friends who are pregnant or just had a baby, while it is not easy for me to see  (I am jealous)... I love you and I pray for the best for each one of you. 

The Question

I have not blogged in quite awhile...it is sad to think of how many awesome things I have missed to write about.  One thing you should know, we are expecting Baby #3 (aka Baby Guppy) around January 5, 2015.  This is a very exciting time for us and especially the kiddos!  They are so excited and wherever we go, at least one kiddo is telling the cashier, librarian, or anyone they see that "Mommy has a baby in her tummy." I love it, great memories for us all!!

That being said, I have been waiting for a question to be asked of me...it finally happened today.  I am 14 weeks, not far, but far enough.  I was asked, "Are you scared this one (the baby) will become diabetic?"  Here is my answer:

No. I do not worry about this baby becoming anymore than I think about Noah becoming diabetic.  Which in all honesty does not happen very often.  I only question it when he is sick or starts to act funny with headaches or tummy aches.

God blesses us in many different and odd ways.  Kyli's diabetes has been a blessing to us.  While we have our struggles with it and the hospitalizations, I feel that our family has a closer bond from it and a larger understanding for people and kiddos who are different than the average child.  We have been given the opportunity to embrace other families going through similar struggles, the kiddos have been able to do activities they would not have been able to if it weren't for Kyli's diabetes, and I have been reminded over and over to be more thankful for my kiddos and the lessons they teach me from it.

IF either of my two other kiddos become diabetic (or both for that matter), they have two steps already in their favor, one they have a teammate to hold their hand and help them build a new path and two, they have parents and family who already know how to handle diabetes in a positive and team playing way to help them out and achieve success daily.

IF it happens, I will still grieve.  There are still days that I cry for Kyli, not for what she was given but for the things she will not experience.  She will not go another day without some kind of medicine needing to go into her body, finger pokes everyday (at least 10 a day), or to be able to eat something and not worry about how many carbs it has and dose accordingly.  Kyli cannot binge eat ever.  Eating a large meal can wreak havoc on her sugars, imagine a half gallon of ice cream and some Cheetos, YIKES!! 

Here is the thing though, I have two healthy kiddos right now.  With of without diabetes, Kyli is HEALTHY! She grows, she eats, she is thriving and most importantly she is spunky and HAPPY!  When you see Kyli, you would never know her pancreas is dead and that she requires medicine all day, everyday.  She has the most positive outlook, it doesn't stop her and she is proud of who she is, including her diabetes! If we end up with another diabetic, it is in God's hands and we will embrace our path no matter what.  I have told others before, maybe Kyli's diagnosis has nothing to do with our family, but for someone we come into contact with on our life journey.  I don't question it, I am thankful that my little girl is alive and healthy, not all outcomes are as positive as ours when comes to diabetes.